Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
