as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
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my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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