I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
