You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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