I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
