isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
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We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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