He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
