I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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