I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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