Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
