Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
