My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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