I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
