sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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