Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
