oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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