This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
