Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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