apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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