A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
