His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
