you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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