After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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