If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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