My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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