after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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