Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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