she looked like the before picture.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
