dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
