Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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