i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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