he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
