my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
