Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
