i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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