I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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