I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
