He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
