mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
