I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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