Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
