Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
