his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
