Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
