and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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