I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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