"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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