I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
