I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
