This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
