I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
