Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
